There is a moment where we can’t be close enough. My arms are warped around you and yours are wrapped around me. Our legs are intertwined. Your lips rest on my neck and my chin is on your shoulder. All the rope, spankings, choking, fucking and primal play is behind us. I made you feel nothing for as long as I could and now we both feel everything.
I can feel fourteen-year-old you who left a home that was ripping her apart. Then there is sixteen-year-old you who lived in one unsafe place after another because it was safer than the alternative. Can you feel the eight-year-old me where the bullying started in the third grade or the even younger me where the bullying began at home? Can you feel the teenage me who walked home in fear of every car that went by worried it might be the kids who loved to jump me and my friends?
I feel twenty-year-old you who fell in love and finally found her place. I feel the thirty-year-old you who realized you didn’t love her anymore. I can feel the pain that comes from choosing to leave the safest place you’ve ever known because you believed there was something better out there. Wrap yourself in my pain from losing parents I both hated and loved. I lost them only three years apart at a time in my life I was already at the peak of my depression. It’s still with me and I know you sense it the tighter I squeeze you.
What I’ve listed scratches the surface of what bubbles up when we’re together. There’s so much left to say I’d never put in something I planned to post. So much hurt from both of us. We both sink into depression. We both have debilitating insecurity. We both sabotage the things that are good because we don’t think we deserve them. And maybe we’re just setting ourselves up for more proof we aren’t good enough. But it feels so soothing to know you like this and to be known by you. I can’t let you go.
Squeeze me tighter. Pull me into you. Let our atoms spread apart so we can fall into one another. I want you to live inside me. I want to live inside you. I don’t care who we’ve been. I don’t care who we will become. Here and now my need to be seen by you outweighs all my other needs. I know you’re the same. It’s why this is so right. It’s why I love you and you love me. Maybe ten years from now this will just be one more pain someone else we love can sink into. But just because we know our pasts doesn’t mean we know our futures.
With your tears falling onto me and my chest pounding against your breasts, the only thing I don’t doubt is us. I doubt everything. You’re less cynical than I am but you have your doubts too. And right now I know they’re gone. This is why I live this kinky life. I can’t be this vulnerable with someone else unless I’ve hurt them. I only want people who can be this exposed after they’ve been hurt by me. So let us lay here until this intensity passes. It won’t leave us. It will linger for days or weeks, or hours. It will return the moment I pet your hair back with that look in my eyes. You’ll know it’s time to reup when you see the rope laid out on the bed. I’ll undress you slowly, neither of us ever looking away from one another. And in a matter of time, we will be right back here where everything makes sense, me holding you and you holding me as tightly as we can.